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SepFirst time I’ve posted in a long time. Comp paper rough draft on Jess for who ever would like to read. It’s long, but I’d like to think it’s worth your time.
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When I woke up on October 17, 2009 I thought it was just be another normal day. I woke up, got ready for work, and headed to the shop. It was just grandma and me that day, a pretty slow Saturday morning. Then my phone started ringing off the hook. It was one of my best friends, Maegan.
“Have you talked to Brian today?”
“No, not today. Why?” I texted back, not thinking much of it.
“I haven’t heard from Jess all morning. Someone said there was a wreck last night. A girl and two guys. Jess was with Evan and his brother last night. Mariah, I don’t know what to do! What if it was Jess?” She was panicking, I could tell, but I just shrugged it off.
“Calm down, Maegan, I’m sure everything is fine. It’s 9 am on a Saturday morning, she is probably still sleeping. No worries. If anything too bad had happened it would be on the radio station news, and I just checked it. It says nothing about a wreck.”
I just went back to what I was doing at work. Trying to just shove the thought in the back of my mind. Nothing could happen to her. Jess was friends with everyone. She was always laughing and smiling, could brighten anyone’s bad mood. She was like Maegan’s sister, rescued Maegan from her home, let her live with her for a year. They had just been arguing some lately, but nothing could happen to her. Impossible. My phone rang, breaking my train of thought.
“It was Jess.” I could barely make out her words through the sobs.
“Now wait, Maegan. How do you know?” I was sure this all was just a misunderstanding.
“I was here when the police came to the house. Jocelyn and Jim had identify the body. Jess needed a ride home. Evan had been drinking. He missed the curve.” My heart sank. This could not be happening. Not to Jess. My world just stopped. When I woke up that morning I would have never dreamed I would get a phone call that would completely change my life.
I hung up the phone and just stared into space.
“What’s wrong babe?” My grandma looked at me, worried. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t say it out loud.
“It’s true.” That’s all that could come out. I went to the bathroom, gathered my thoughts, and went back to work. This couldn’t happen. Especially not today. I was leaving for a concert in Saint Louis in a few hours with my friend from out of town, Brandi. I called her and told her what had happened, though it hadn’t completely hit me yet.
“Do you want to stay home?” She didn’t even sound disappointed, she was only genuinely worried about me.
“No, it’s fine. Let’s still go. I’ll meet you in Mount Vernon at noon.” I was in denial, acted like it was no big deal. I had never lost anyone close to me before. I knew no other way to deal with it. Working at the flower shop, I had designed arrangements for funerals on a weekly basis. Death had become such a casual occurance. This was different though, the death of a friend was not casual by any means, but I refused to accept the difference. I wasn’t ready. Not yet.
I met Brandi at the mall in Mount Vernon, hopped in her car, and we started chatting like nothing had happened. We were seeing my favorite band that day, and I was excited. One of the opening bands was a group that I had only heard one song from, but I was enjoying the rest of their music. They played a few upbeat songs, and Brandi and I danced. We were having a great time. Then, they took a break from the light hearted, energetic music and started playing their piano quietly. The lead singer started to explain their next song.
“This next song is one I wrote about a friend of mine who was in an accident involving a drunk driver on Halloween a few years back…” I knew where she was going with this, and I wasn’t ready to hear it. I blocked out the rest of the story, tuning back in when I heard her start to sing.
“…On Halloween, the last time you left, if I knew you were never coming back I would have held on to that last day. Instead of ‘here’s your keys.’ the last thing I’d say would be ‘I love you,’ just in case…”
A tear ran down my cheek. It finally hit me. Jess was really gone.
The rest of the evening and Sunday was a blur. I woke up Monday morning, full of dread. School. I hated the thought of going to choir and Jess not being there. Going to lunch and Jess’s seat at our table being empty. Going through the halls and Jess not screaming and being crazy.
When I left the house I couldn’t help but notice how bright it was outside. It had been dreary for the past week, and the vibrant sun today just didn’t seem right. School was dreadful. When I arrived in my first class, everyone was in shock, even Mrs. S, the choir instructor. Instead of starting the day out by warming up our voices, that day we wrote. We were to write exactly how we were feeling, though words could not begin to express.
“This can’t real. It is one big misunderstanding.” That’s all I could write.
“We are doing this exercise because we cannot start class today pretending nothing has happened. Jessica was a special person in a lot of our lives, and she will be very missed.” Mrs. S was fighting tears as she continued. “Jessica’s mom, Jocelyn, has requested that the entire choir sing at Jessica’s funeral, which will be held Thursday, and I told her that we would be honored. She has picked two songs, and I showed her one other that she thought would be perfect. We will come in during homeroom for the next three days to get ready.” We all knew that this would be hard, but we had to do it for Jess.
The rest of the school day was just as miserable. Each class dragging on longer than the last. I didn’t want to be here.
After school I went to work. Mom was waiting for me by the entry to the work room.
“Jess’s family will be in soon to decide on arrangements for her funeral.” I did my best to put on a strong face before replying.
“I want to be the one who does them.” I was fighting back tears.
“That’s fine. I will call the school and tell them you will be absent on Wednesday”
A few moments later I heard the bell from the door opening. It was Jess’s family. They were was so strong. Jocelyn reassured me that she knew Jess was in a better place. Visiting with them while they decided on arrangements completely changed my attitude towards the situation.
The next morning I woke up for school with a slightly less dreadful attitude. When I walked outside I noticed the sun was just a vibrant as the day before. The difference from the day before was, today it felt right. I knew the brightness from the sun was Jess, telling me she was there, and to be strong. I had to be strong.
School was also slightly less miserable, though still a blur. As always, after school I went straight to work. We had been getting orders for the funeral. Seeing Jess’s name on the orders practically knocked the wind out of me. I was reminded again. This is real. Jess is really gone.
I woke up Wednesday morning knowing today was going to be hard. I buried myself in my work. I did her casket spray first. Mostly white, for purity, with some accents of purple, Jess’s favorite color. It was beautiful. I knew Jess would have loved it. Next was the hard part. Maegan’s piece. I designed an arrangement with pictures of the two of them in the center. I had helped Maegan choose the pictures to for the arrangement. She wasn’t the same Maegan. She looked different, she acted different, everything was different. I felt like I hadn’t only lost Jess, but Maegan left with her. I almost made it through all the work before breaking down. I locked myself in the bathroom, and for the first time, let my emotions take control. I cried until there were no tears left. Then I realized why I had run out of tears. Jess didn’t want them. She didn’t want us to cry for her. I gained composure, finished up my work, then went home to get ready for the visitation.
The gym was full, and the line was out into the street. Everyone loved Jess. When it was finally almost my turn to approach the casket I let a few tears fall, but only a few. I had to be strong for the family. Seeing Jess was the hardest part yet. She didn’t look like herself, but still beautiful all the same. Peaceful.
“She sure is beautiful, isn’t she?” Jess’s father, Jim, whispered while hugging me. I couldn’t say a word. I only nodded.
“The flowers are perfect.” Jocelyn hugged me now. I just forced a smile. I had to stay strong. Maegan was next. Her face swollen, I could tell she had done nothing but cry for days.
“I love you.” was all I could get out as I held her tightly. I didn’t want to let her go. I had to be strong for her.
“I love you, too. Thank you for being here for me, for being so strong.” She sobbed into my shoulder. I stayed strong. I had to.
Thursday came too quickly. The day of the funeral. The gym was packed. I sat with the choir as we tried to keep strong, ready to sing. The funeral lasted a couple hours. It was like no funeral I had ever been to before. Jess’s parents, five siblings, and Maegan all stood and told stories about Jess. Some had everyone crying. Some had everyone laughing. Laughter is exactly what Jess would have wanted. She loved to laugh.
After the funeral, a group of friends and I decided we wanted to visit the wreck site and take flowers. We loaded up in my mom’s car, and I drove. We were able to laugh and sing with the radio. It was almost like Jess was with us. When we got to the wreck site we saw the ninety degree turn they had missed. The ditch the truck fell into. The field the truck flipped onto. We all stood in silence for a few minutes. We could still see broken glass and trash from the truck. We helped each other over the 6 foot ditch to place our flowers by the cross someone had already placed out there. After several minutes of somber silence, something changed. The mood lightened. We were suddenly running around the bean field, making the silly noises Jess used to make, and telling stories of the crazy things she did. The sun was shining brighter than ever. Jess was there with us. I could feel it. That moment is when I knew. Nothing was ever going to be the same without her here with us, but she was never really gone. Our lives would be changed forever, but we still had our lives, and we had to live them to the fullest.
When I woke up on October 17th 2009 I would have never dreamed it would have been the day that changed my life forever, but it did. One person’s decision, one phone call from a friend, one song at a concert taught me the most important lesson I will ever learn. Never take your life, and the wonderful people in it for granted. Never let them forget how much you love them, and never forget how much they love you. Because you will never know what will tomorrow will bring.
